On Saturday night some foul thief stole my beloved, favourite pair of tiger print underpants. I bought them in 2003 when I was living in Miami and wore them to more parties than I can remember, I wore them on the street, on my head, in the pool, in the sea. I am those pants. They are a part of me. I retired them in 2022 and had them framed and displayed in my museum’s loo where they have been a much loved and photographed exhibit
Last weekend some vile criminal levered them of the wall and stole them. The police are uninterested as the auction record for a pair of my underpants is £50 (Chiswick Auctions 2022), and as they were in the loo CCTV is no help. I am offering a reward of £666 for their safe return.
My pants have been auctioned, bought privately, displayed in a museum, featured in a book and are sold on The Last Tuesday Society’s Website. But these are irreplaceable pants. Please Please return them. If they are not returned I will call down a curse upon the genitals of the foul thief, they will shrivel and become useless for any pleasurable activity until my pants have been returned – I have your DNA from the case. The worse thing of all is somebody is probably wearing then now.
contact [email protected] or return the pants, with your bank details, to the museum at 11 Mare Street, London
